Two feet and a heartbeat


The most dangerous step of any journey is the first one out the front door. -Gandalf… Well, Peter Jackson & John Ronald Reuel Tolkien


Yes I read the hobbit, as well as the books behind the greatest trilogy (or six book collection) of my childhood. C.S. Lewis receives an honorable mention, although, I am unsure of his real name.

As a young man still growing I reflect on my favorite films to watch repeatedly as a child. While I remain a lost boy, I cannot help but pretend to be the star character of my own silly movie.

I attribute much of my success to Oceans 11, Goldfinger, Vince Vaughn and Mr. Harrelson, although, it Wood be nice to hear something about how good your trees looked that year I worked for you.

I am selling some shares in the soap company, now is an excellent time to invest. I wanted to let you know first seeing as your fruit would make amazing soap. The lessons I learned in the jungle were essential for surviving the last two months of trekking across the midwest.

I have had many opportunities to camp this summer, Minnesota is such a beautiful state. Parked one outside the lake bar on America’s birthday. Solid chance this never happens again, bucket listing.

I embarked upon a personal challenge after someone finally borrowed everything in my backpack a few weeks ago. Life has been moving fantastically ever since.


I strive to smile more than anyone I see, so please don’t laugh at me because I would have to work harder. -blankhead

I will take this opportunity to say thank you for the Nautica Island hat I found extracting strawberry guava near a bamboo shelter with one chair at the top of the farm, it overlooks a South swell… I am not a truly trained detective but If I was a writer, that would be a nice spot to think.

I used to pretend your weedwhacker was a hockey stick on Snapchat. This is my favorite sport besides surfing. Nonetheless, after 7 hours,  I was over listening to the same music, juking trees, kicking coconuts and scoring goals. My arms would usually be numb by this point as well. The job did allow me to live in a secret wonderland most people lucky enough to even see can only drive through or stay a couple nights at the National Park.

Part of me could have stayed forever, but life needed to advance for me in Minnesota. I was also told there was no more work for me on the orchard. In retrospect, I landscaped over efficiently, the damn weeds kept growing back. Finally, I had them low enough they did not come back, well it quit raining for a few months too. I was under my own impression, if I get ahead there would be opportunity for missing some days and focusing on my own business.

This was correct, I was just not expecting to have unlimited days. I only know how to work at one speed, as fast as Snapchat can bike.


Glad the homie Noah still has some regular hourly, he is making excellent mead out of some super citrus that grows in abundance at Half Barrel Farms. I cannot wait to invest in his Ram’s Head Meadary. Your property still has a solid worker. I was able to see the importance of arriving at the weeds on time. This was dangerous for me on certain days as my bike tyres were so consistently going flat.

Wolf handed me some tire irons and told me to figure it out too. Not until I punctured a few with some spoons first learning not to use butter knives either. I patched something like 40 holes before Amazon sent me a new set of tires. They were Alligator or something like that, cheapest ones that fly free with good recommendations from my Prime research (Corporate headquarters are nice there).

Between explaining Plato and Faulkner, we spoke on Jesse Ventura’s experience with politics, that novel was too real. I highly recommend looking this list over as well… (if you know how to copy and paste, I saved some time).


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Some duct tape on the inside of each rim is a good idea if her Puegot has a Rusty frame. Take a break, naw, I’ll keep advertising. Those were the boardies I surfed in Australia. Maui Built like someone else’s Kazuma and a sweet Charlie Smith size 6’9″ says for Daniel Swanson on the bottom. Still stoking about the prices I paid for those, clearances… I now qualify for the Tour De France, most likely just a position in the pit crew. Cameron kept the swim trunks…


Kara was able to spare this finely tuned machine, have a look at those original stocks. They could actually dodge most those potholes moving past Laulima. I wasn’t able to give too many girls bucks down the Hana Highway on her, so I just delivered soap.


The same day I finally fixed some gears on baby Puegot; I was offered a new project, I believe the name on title for this $200 Mercedes Benz was Daniel Weedman. She came to me 8 years ahead on taxes, they are still writing tickets about it. Talked him down to $140 and a cold beer, wait that was $51 for the silver half of our corporate fleet. Soap exclusively drives German. They were generous men to meet.

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The latter gentleman takes photographs in New York, I believe I spelled it one time David LahaaChapelle, only because the officer smiled when I explained the “haa” was silent, this story is drawn out. It wasn’t until I told him my birthdate that he asked my real name, 1969. He later allowed me to throw a piece of glass back in the river, so I found a new bowl and kept moving. Life is easier when your friends in blue are paid actors. Boston is great with cops, read about the next encounter.

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Benny was a turbo diesel named after this girl I remember. It was all sunshine, we went through a breaking down halfway to work stage as well. This one lasted months longer than the bicycle repair… In 20/20 it may have been less stress to simply walk, but surfing without a vehicle costs too many extra hitches. I will pay off all the tickets written to me. Only because I am a try hard though, and a wise man pays his debts. It is written in this book about The Richest Man in Babylon, quick read actually. The last book I finished, mostly just skim a few pages here and there. Malcolm Gladwell describes this effect as Cross-Slicing. For more on that free advice look into the idea of reading Blink. I am glad Sammer took a photo one time. He raps well too.


I have been contemplating some residual income opportunities for you. It is tragic seeing the world’s best fruits fall uneaten left to compost inside your broken Honda push cutter, my fault. Actually there was a stump left slightly high, I forget who cut that one. I only use sickles for you, so far… This Gliricidia was cut with a chainsaw, just dropping species, or was that genus, I tell too many dad jokes.

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Youtube would like to show off some serious business potential for the 27 acre orchard opposite Wai coo coo, I forget how to spell Maui locations. I did not post our meeting on Snapchat, mostly I record my before and afters. Still have a few from work at Rhombus Guys too. I mean between the: Cocoa, Coconut, Avocado, Mango, Cherry, Lilokoi, Lemon, Lime and Cosmic Grapefruits. I can produce trade from trees and everyone needs SOAP!

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I forget all of their names, here’s me hugging a great one in Australia though. I would have memorized more plant species before it just involved a guy walking all the way over to ask Chad what they were called, and then he may explain I am taking too long cleaning everything up.

hold my dick

I was late so often I started bringing him coffee. I figured it as a Mr. Nice thing to do since he  was working on the farm more than me. Property management seems to trap people places. I would talk until he smiled, because interesting things happen to me.

Despite this mans depression. At least where he spends much of his time is better than the bus rides through Nevada described in Howard Marks autobiography covering the inefficiencies searching butt-holes inside our former Federal Prison System. Maybe things still work the same, chapter 1 had me in tears.

The hygienic industry potential on your property is exceptional, I suppose those ingredients grow in other places too. I was just building a dream and he knew they will be used in soap someday (Step One: learn how to make lye), stoked with my new promotion.

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Second question, where would I show others how to assemble the ingredients? I only saw a few empty houses and large sheds on the property. Couldn’t help but walk around while I was hiding from the property manager on his scheduled safety breaks.

This prospecting toiletry company could produce deodorant without aluminum and toothpaste without fluoride, maybe even a Skin & Tonic or two. I believe the real monetary lyes in an opposite of aging emulsified skin antidote, cured inside bamboo. I was sleeping inside tents drinking about these ideas for a year and a half.

This number excludes the two years I made connections in Australia all over New Zealand, they were from 69 other countries too. People keep unliking my Facebook photos because I haven’t sent them free soap yet. This non-profit has hungry workers, actually I signed them up for EBT. Could not afford their healthcare either, no worries, Obama has a form for that two. Sometimes my grammar is off.

It takes awhile I to learn how to make the world’s best lye inside a Half Barrel. I tried too many plastic buckets and cast iron steam stacks before finding a White Oak barrel. The process was all over snapchat. It’s okay VerizonData pays my wireless bill, well they invested $600 in service, Droid Turbo 2’s  and personal hotspots already. I have a problem with LTE.

I was distracted with designing a logo. It took me a couple years of being called the Gunta before I could drop in on a 7 foot wave to come out the half barrel alive, Hawaii does measure from behind, this one was 6.9, give or harvest.


I then realized I would not buy glass jars sold at Wal Mart or any other corporate establishment. Creating a bottle out of bamboo kept me up at night, mostly because I like to throw speed though. Made twelve of these and left Em behind with that dartboard Sean Walker left me for someone to find (inside a gold Mercedes parked at Bob’s next to my old WWJD bracelet, actually that one I was given in Cancun).

It was too bad no friends came to visit me with money. They just stayed for free, no worries I had paid the rent, well until Bob asked Le yah to keep hitting them up for spare cash. I can’t remember why his roof doesn’t leak anymore.

It’s alright, alright, aaall right. I taught them to fish through loopholes in the system because although the company is still non-profit my employees get benefits. One of our favorite agents at the federal office complimented Boston on his perfect form. She might have an idea who knew which lines to leave blank.

He has since wandered to the Flordia Keys even making the news. I would fire him, but we don’t believe in bad publicity. He is now a local celebrity, I did ask him to slow down on the sauce though, I thought that night a black rock wound I iodized and super glued back together after he didn’t listen well enough to instructions taught him more. Lost boy did grow up in foster care…

This is interesting spoof article for a side read on credibility and off-duty police officers needing to take a break. I understand history is written by those with more expensive pens. The version he gave me differed from this report. It is a bad idea to flee from officers of the law when they are in uniform…

fineeeesss lol

This is Backseat after spilling a bottle of wine and getting us asked to leave Kapahulu, its okay I was running out of wallets. Still looking for that other surfboard I fixed, so many tickets hanging off that Benz in the background. Good thing I know a guy named Tim at AAA or that burden could have fallen on taxpayers. It costs more to recycle vehicles in Hawaii than America. If it was up to me, I would just fix them, too many have been pushed off cliffs though.

getting hos, fucking unholy paper

Half Barrel Farms knows how to fill out free healthcare forms as well. The trick lyes in an ability to remain homeless and unemployed… Truly. Sometimes I sneeze to keep from laughing in front of the officers kind enough to accept Costco membership cards for identification and throw away those pieces of paper with my names on them. I am home in the world, well I was blessed. I mostly just let people see how unlucky this car was, it took me a day and a half to get her back around the island on our inaugural voyage.

A silver one came to me second, cost $51.00 and a cold beer. I was just looking for a radiator, Nile said I had to take the whole thing. She drove 9 mph all the way home, one can of Seafoam and some positive intentions was enough to bring the sequel back to life. Fuel gauge was busted, she broke down at the pump, it was love.

losing titles

Do you remember the time you were such an excellent individual? I’m unsure of the exact date and I hear stories of this happening all the time. I seem to remember this was around Bob Marley’s favorite holiday. I captioned the photo on facebook happy four twenty, posted a few days later in case you had anyone watching social media with your place on it (I noticed a couple of John Swanson’s pictures were taken down)… glad we were able to save one and that he asked me to be in it.


I am speaking specifically on the occasion in which we played some Bambooze-Bee (people are looking for this game). At the 1009 we called it Beersbee and the posts were made from PVC pipes, my winning percentage was the same… I still sleep on couches in the garage. Only because they were given a typewriter though.


When we interrupted your afternoon, you were sitting with someone who looked fatherly joking with a youngest daughter named after that guy who is still royalty-ing from being Dazed and Confused. Next, the most beautiful kind of person hugged me right before you loaned a few minutes to make my year; only after Josh gave me a surfboard to fix and asked me to play on your team. We ended the afternoon 3-0. I remember holding a Torpedo in the photo as Hasegawa’s was out of Sierra Nevada Pale Ales that afternoon, my only regret.


I remember some high fives when I hit the wax covered Corona bottles with flying sauce, this only happened a few times. Unsure of what to talk about, so I just asked you if you watched Kings games. Well, until I was about to leave, then had to throw free shots at Surfer Dude, I really liked the first half of that classic.

This would have nothing to do with the mildly competitive nature of a lost boys poker club; I have never heard about those games either. On second thoughts, If Doc Holiday looked like a Kilmer and you prefer spelling bees in Tombstone, I would put $5 on a game of billiards at Casablanca; we could call it an interview. The other stakes sound a little out of my current pricing.


I digress, the aforementioned legends stood on the shoulders of Humphrey Bogart… Among many others with endless style and smoothness in front of soul stealing reels. If I was any character in my favorite screenings, it would be me.




I do find it difficult to be amigos with anyone who has trouble alluding themselves to the protagonist of a well connected plot (excepting when they prefer to play the villain); in this case I understand. Only because it rhymes.

I simply place my faith in Karma. One favorite song and a page of The Tao each morning before leaving my Coleman. I mean house, nice to be able to set up my own. It was portable, but I never traveled with it. Dallas, I hope you find a nice spot to throw it. I did have more than $169 invested into that rain fly.

I am Lucky in American Express. I am glad they found a Prime deal on Amazon after I forgot to cancel that free 30 day membership. Interest rates are sitting reasonably around 22% so the minimum is no problem. I am over credit.

Nevertheless, I am glad you got it for free, that asshole Toova didn’t deserve my $450 acclaim either, no worries I left him an empty title. I hope he can fix it though, the tools are inside.

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Let’s be real here, the thought of wishing only to win a best supporting actor statue may lead to overdoses of self loathing in which popcorn munchers like myself are left wanting for late greats such as Seymour-Hoffmans and our favorite Ledger. Jokers aside, let us pour out some cocoa-cola for the ones that spilled too much of their own.

I can’t help but observe occasional misdirected feelings of contempt upon my personal vibrations, my life looks more interesting on social media; isn’t that the point? The animation in my smile is usually trying to hide to 7 things that went unfortunately before one really good thing works out. I try to recollect positives if anyone is curious what I have been wandering about. I am just not a storyteller…

Yes I do prefer to live in beauty, only because sunsets seem look prettier on more days of the week through mountain passes and across west faces of the Pacific. Even better with a cold beer, I prefer Sierra Nevada Pale Ale (only because they taste good and sponsor my soap). Soap company lines… better than crossing party ones.

Here’s to Elizabeth Warren, Bernie prefers if you forget his name this November when you trump your unregistered arses to North Dakota to vote liberally (North Dakota does not require voter registration). We are having a rally at Rhombus Guys in downtown Fargo. If you could please sign up for less arsenals, the booth is set up next door. It is the tallest building, there’s a bear standing on Main, can’t miss it.

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On a separate string, picturesque can be as equally amazing, gazing abroad a sundog from inside the top floor of the heated Bank of The West building on a forty below afternoon in Fargo, North Dakota…

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This reminds me, I need another bank account so I can post more snapchats to dyyyylon19 (VERIZON DATA), this is until their lazy asses provide unlimited of the latter and sponsor my soap too!

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Lucifer knows, I am tired of uploading unpaid advertisements for them, the tab is over 11,000 points now, so whenever you boys have the cash… I am hopeful to see it sooner, on since we added commercial breaks in my friend’s stories about cats getting coffee.

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I would like to say, those extra taps cost me data, I mean credit, I mean soft earned tips gifted to me by to many people at less than 15% after I brought their bulldog Miller some water. I cannot wait to tell people about your flooring business Sir, what was your’s name? I spent too much time crushing ice for your pussy as strawberry margarita… glad you compensated with a Big Dog Pizza, you can stay on the porch.

$5 on 56 is sour math, I get it your friends don’t pay for shit. Next time please ask them to leave the tip. It may be good for them to learn about contribution (see the first scene of Tarantino’s best film about your puppy’s Reservoir Dawg)! I’ll bring Miller water next time either way, only because he is better looking and like you I take pride in my work as well. All paragraphs aside, I am seriously happy you work for yourself.

Lucky, Jesus C blessed me with a fearless heart. Remembering these graces since the moment my father popped the training wheels off my that original Huffy push bike; it did have pedals… I’m sure my mother was searching for the knee pads while she missed that first spill.


Personally, I feel uninvested in any activity until it pulls my hair and tries to give me a black eye (actually that’s just what happened on a beach in Noosa the night I learned how to fight and decided not to do that again, he called me bitch, glad I never connected).

Bloody noses have been mostly self inflicted and induced upon a shit eating grin linked to my lack of a perfect filter. God put two ears behind my curly hair for a reason! I am still realizing if I closed my mouth more I wouldn’t have had to replace so many pairs of reading glasses as a child (AR champion 4th-6th, if you have to ask what AR means you probably did not accelerate at comprehending books; more likely schools did away from silly competitions).

I am farsighted, whatever that means; inheriting this rare cataract vision at birth from the Welsh side of my Cadwalladers. Thankful, Tim had me wearing a Lucy helmet the day he helped me ride on two wheels. I was four, but as it turns out he didn’t want to miss it like his father. The late Grandpa Wayne took a nap and caught Cirrhosis when was my dad was 11, so he asked my Uncle to teach me how to hunt. Vancouver, Washington lost a great man in blue. Thank you for your investment in my future Roger and Scott. I am still working on my humility as well as listening to words written in between those trees.

uncles churr

Lucky for me, Grandpa Lucy was a Marine. Nearly killed in Vietnam, I still remember crying when he told me the story in a fish house, I was 8. He signed up as to avoid fighting alongside privileged children drafted into the National Guard, he just didn’t realize those killers were rich enough to avoid the whole scenario.

It must have had something to do with Muhammad Ali, he was suspended from being a World Champion due to his affluence in being black. Good thing the Supreme Court took a few years to decide on Justice’s, glad things have changed. Mike was able to save his helmet.

I took an Irish fall that afternoon my Dad left work early again to teach me how to ride a bike before coaching little league practice. He was an excellent time manager, how else does a man that could out drink anyone at the Long Prairie Country club and hold down a county administration position for twenty years before getting sober. Well, it was a government job…

I would argue that he treated every employee with much more respect than he had for his own personal wellness. This attributed to a status as “The King of the Dump.” His small town radio commercials for KEYL spread laughing about Reducing, Reusing and Up-cycle. I can’t remember all the words, but it was some kind of salvage.

My parents wouldn’t buy me a playstation until the second came out and I wrote a song about getting one for christmas a year later… I did end up with two Ataris and every game invented on those magic boxes harvested from the Todd County Transfer Station, among many other treasures. Forcing me to spend more time at the outdoor hockey rink, until he became president of the association and my friends all got keys to the Cow Palace, that’s what we called the rink, last voted in the state of MN but number one in free ice time. I did play for the Northstars (Prairie-Centre, represent, not sure why Sinclair Lewis spelled the second half British).

On a side note, Mr. Cad is now 6 years sober and the proud owner of a masters degree in Licensed Drug Counseling, which he extends at a pro bono rate to anyone in need of taking a break at substance abuse. Please message me for his phone number if need be!


Anyway, I appear to have drifted, again…

Back to the story of what it takes to see the world. One fucking step out the door I call society and into the wild. Careful in Las Vegas, this bus almost took half my savings before I made it out of the country!


Cash flow has been a talent of mine since I starting catching quarters. I prefer to send these down river before any bills burn holes in Mikey’s least favorite shorts. Otherwise, I am usually left explaining why my friend’s lighter is still in the front left pocket amidst asking Terri Jo for repairs on the threads again. She knew I would never smoke cigarettes… Sorry Mom, I do at least roll my own, they are organic. Watch out for American Spirit however as they are owned by Philip Morris too. Still much better than tailored cigarettes, mostly what is bad is the carpet glue. I buy hemp papers when they are available too. In Maui a guy can even grind his own tobacco from leaf.

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As for the cash I began generating at 6 years old bleaching reclaimed golf balls found on long walks and swims across the aforementioned golf course with my neighbor Jimmy Siegle, Long Prairie Football’s all time leading rusher; it is quickly spent on candy and other things for my friends. I focus my energies primarily on ways to find more. We used to fill 50 lbs salt saver bags with balls, swimming after dark didn’t matter because the only way to find them was digging through the mud anyway. We also got kicked off the course less at night time. Anyway, after Clorox-ing them doctors never knew they were waterlogged. Pharmaceutical Reps are good about letting them win anyways…


Wolf says, “The best dollar you ever earn is the one you didn’t have to spend.”

I may have misinterpreted this while bribing my favorite mechanic Hans “Diesel” Murray to teach me how to work on a $140 Mercedes Benz harvested from the best organic farm in Kipahulu, probably a world contender.

Cold beers and Maui Wowi claimed all the cash I earned weed whacking for Woody Harrelson in the six months it took me to get her running so I could meet the homie TK at the airport. I was not a mechanic. Lucky, my friends Ebert, Borgstrom and Clapp’s dads taught them how to call me a dumbass while they showed me how to hold a wrench. I had a nice childhood, my parents were very generous and I used to work in turkey barns to afford motor oil to keep this bike running. It took me one day to dent that tailpipe and snap the front brake lever.


Yes, we raced motocross, I still have the 3rd Place trophy, came in fourth and brought home a souvenir with my scars. Some other kid must have had enough plastic and respected how many times I fell finishing that race. If only there was Snapchat in those days kids (we wouldn’t have had to pay them to save our memories).

MERZY drove me home in one stop for the first time on my 26th birthday. Tyler John said that’s when he was making it over from New Zealand. The kid was 4 months late, not surprising, but as he made the last two (one spent seeing Eminem, Kendrick and J Cole at an outdoor concert in Brisbane, Australia, he met a girl at the mall and scored us a sober ride with last minute tickets/the next getting my ass on a plane to Maui from Tauranga trading a second favorite skateboard with the Kiwi Cowboy, Cory Nordick).

25 was such a lucky birthday I remember having it twice. I did actually, there was a dateline involved…

Landing at OGG

The man who lives in tents


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